"As you know, I've become quite the expert at being the world's whipping boy for just about any nasty experience that occurred in the 20th century, and initially, for well, maybe the last 50 years or so, my people have denied responsibility for any of this," Hitler began his speech.
"Well, the time has come to admit that mistakes were made during my terms as chancellor of the 1000-year Third Reich," Hitler bluntly acknowledged. "I regret those errors of judgment and over-zealousness made by subordinates, and I take full responsibility for them, even though I had no idea at the time what was happening . . . I mean, you try running a world war across five continents, without computers, and see if you could control everyone working for you."
Here, Hitler had to pause momentarily, and wipe away a few tears. He tried to bite his upper lip as well, but his teeth grabbed onto his now-drooping mustache and yanked that instead . . . which cynics mistakenly say caused those tears.
"For example, that fatso Air Marshal Herman Goering promises me that he can bomb Britain back to the stone age, dropping only little bitty bombs at night when no one would be out and about. I want to assure everyone in Britain that the night before we took the first air action against that well-known terrorist Winston Churchill, I stayed up until 2:30 in the morning, trying to make sure that no British factory ran a night shift, that the underground had halted operations on time well before midnight, that the streets would be bereft of people. How was I to know the really beastly night-time habits of some Brits . . . Jack the Ripper, and all."
Hitler paused again and marched across the stage, his hands gripped behind his back. He suddenly swiveled to face the camera again, stared straight into it, and wagged his right fore finger forcefully as he spoke:
"I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully:
I-never-had-aggressive-designs-on-that-continent . . . Europe. I never, ever asked anyone to commit any war crimes in my name."
He halted briefly to yank his jerking right arm down.
"I believed I had to take the action I did, in order to get a little bit of lieberstraum, and that's all we wanted. But I certainly didn't want some person who was a nobody to me -- but who may have a family to feed and a life to live, and probably had no earthly idea what else was going on -- to die needlessly, and that is why I begged Goering to make sure no innocent Brit could possibly be injured by any of our bombs."
Hitler looked into the camera again firmly.
"Like President Clinton, I want to emphasize that forgiveness is a two-way street, however," Hitler went on. "I'm therefore willing to forgive the United Kingdom for its stubbornness in refusing to recognize its plight back in 1940 and failing to do the sensible thing, of surrendering, if the Brits will forgive me for any errant bombs that may have fallen on London. I'm even willing to forgive the state of Israel for its character assassination of me, if they find it in their hearts to pardon me for the late unpleasantness of 1933-45, and if they also agree to close that atrocious museum in Washington, DC . . . I'm willing to forgive Poland for toppling all those statues of me, if they absolve me for blitzkrieging their cities -- hey, I was only trying to do a little urban planning, and some of my people may have acted over-earnestly in clearing sites for new buildings . . . Hey, I was a vegetarian, I loved my dogs and always petted children. How bad could I have been?"
His supporters in the live audience applauded loudly at this point.
"I'm also willing to forgive the Soviet Union . . . What? It no longer exists? Well, there you go, no need for that apology. I forgive the people of France as well, for the way they double-crossed me. I mean, 95 percent of them pledged allegiance to me, partied with my soldiers, helped me round up undesirables for labor on our work farms (where conditions were better than a country club, Himmler always assured me), but yet, once the Americans violated European territorial integrity, instead of joining me to throw out these foreigners, suddenly, every Frenchman was a member of the Resistance! Can you believe it?"
"Calm down, calm down," one of Hitler's associates, urged him, wiping the spittle off his lips.
"I also, of course, forgive the Americans for invading our European homeland, for causing such widespread destruction from Normandy to Moscow. If you Americans hadn't interfered in our affairs, we Europeans would have settled matters among ourselves, with so much less bloodshed. Isn't that the ruling American philosophy today -- that Asians should settle Asian affairs, that Arabs should settle Arab affairs, that it is futile to trample Iraqi sovereignty in a hunt for so-called illegal weapons of mass destruction, when such searches hurt the feelings of Saddam Hussein (a leader I admire greatly, by the way) and so on. It seems that America under Bill Clinton has at last recognized that U.S. policy of forcefully intervening in the world over the past 60 years has been wrong. Americans at last understand the folly of making moral judgments. From what I've seen over the years, some 90 percent of Americans now lack the decisiveness to condemn anything, for fair of being labeled a sexist, bigot or whatever. I accept your apology, America, for what you did to me. Pagans in America openly proclaim their beliefs today and rush to the courts to insist upon equal treatment with Christians, Moslems and even the Jews, and what was National Socialism but a harking-back to Germany's pagan roots. I was simply far ahead of my time."
Hitler paused and bent his head slowly several times, as if taking in the U.S. repentance.
"And so it is important that we are able to forgive those we believe have wronged us, even as we ask forgiveness from people we have wronged . . . Love thy neighbor as thyself . . . and isn't that in effect what I was trying to do, make all of Europe German, because I loved my neighbors, perhaps too intensely. Isn't there a U.S. expression that turns American souls to jelly: 'You always hurt the one you love.' I was just misunderstood, is all . . . as was President Clinton -- Hear that, Hillary, Monica?"
Hitler halted his speech and glowered into the TV camera. "I have had many years to reflect, and something has come home to me finally, something I first learned as chancellor, but it wasn't burned into my bones, which may have accounted for widespread misunderstanding among my staff, because I do remember shouting out more than once, 'I must have humility burned into my bones,' and somehow, they took it to mean . . . well, enough of the past, what is important is that in order to get it, you have to be willing to give it, and the entire world knows, oh they know, how I was willing to give it, to one and all . . . but no one understood . . . The anger over our racial superiority, the resentment over our flashy black uniforms, the recrimination against people you believe have wronged you . . . I now understand that they harden the heart and lead to self-inflicted wounds. People need direction. They have been without it since 1945, giving themselves far too many self-inflicted wounds, and that is why, in the dark of the night, I dream somehow that people might call me back. All I need, first, is your forgiveness, dear world."
"Children, holding hands, walking where they are told, no matter where, that is Europe for me," Hitler concluded, finally finding his upper lip and biting it in deep, deep emotion.
In a global poll conducted immediately after Hitler's speech, 45 percent of the respondents believed that Hitler had suffered enough, and 35 percent said he should be punished now with only a reprimand by the UN Security Council. Only a small minority, mostly those above the age of 65, called for a trial. While only 22 percent would allow Hitler to baby-sit their children, 54 percent approved of the way he had brought Germany out of the global depression of the 1930s, and said his economic guidance of that country should be the prime determinant in fixing his place in history.
Hitler agreed to make his next appearance on global MTV to explain his views to the youth of the world. He also signed a seven-figure book deal for his memoirs.
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