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Sudan, Sierra Leon, Libya, Cuba, Uganda, Pakistan, Mexico, Croatia, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Vietnam are among the countries remaining on the United Nations Human Rights Commission, after the ouster of the United States, in a move supposedly engineered by France.

The UN Human Rights Commission delegates high-fived each other as they headed into their first meeting after the ouster of those trouble-making Americans.

"All right, all right," the Cuban delegate hooted. "Now we can have some fun!"

"Don't you just want to reach out and stomp a helpless citizen, now that those finicky Americans are out of the way?" the Ugandan delegate said.

"Our first order of business will be to reevaluate a lot of these outmoded definitions of human rights that the United States foisted on the world community over the past five decades," said the Libyan delegate.

"That is absolutely correct," said the Vietnamese delegate. "After all, we're in the 21st century now, and we must develop innovative ways to, let us say, reconfigure human rights for the new millennium."

"Hooray," chimed in the Sudanese delegate. "Let's take slavery, for instance. My government argues that it is the United States that promotes real slavery in the world. This behemoth forces its citizens into servile devotion to high energy use. The whip of advertising lacerates the soul far deeper than a cat-o-nine tail cuts into a back. The U.S. system forces Americans to buy too many SUVs and run too many air conditioners in summer months. They have no free will. TV commercials rule their brains. Let's vote to make that slavery. On the other hand, people who crave security and therefore voluntarily sign away their freedom and the freedom of their children and their children's children forever, even if 'encouraged' by guns in their faces, should no longer be considered slaves. Instead, we want to call them 'zealous toilers.'"

"What kind of toilets?" the elderly Russian delegate asked.

"Toilers, toilers, toilers!" the Sudanese said.

"Hear, hear," said the other delegates.

The vote was unanimous.

"Now let's examine the question of terrorism more closely," said the delegate from Libya. "My beloved leader Moammar Khadafy asks quite sagely exactly why it is terrorism to 'forget" a few pounds of explosives on a civilian airline, or inside a disco. True terrorism, in Col. Khadafy's view, really can be seen in the way that American tourists dress overseas. Have you seen them parade down the Champs Elysée on a summer afternoon, for example, always in their baggy shorts, tee shirts and sneakers. They force sophisticated Frenchmen up and down this avenue to regurgitate and have a bad day, all the while braying 'have a good day.' This is real terrorism."

"We are also demanding some changes," the Cuban delegate said. "We want an alteration of the outmoded procedures for so-called 'fair elections' that the United States has been trying to impose worldwide. We have seen the horrors of the butterfly ballot, the hanging chad, and even the pregnant chad -- which many Americans tried to abort! It reduced grown men and women to tears and fits of frenzy. Why, it is even unhealthy. We have all read that electoral depression forced Vice President Gore to pig out and lay on an extra 40 pounds. We have never had such a problem in our perfect democracy in Cuba. Obviously, our electoral system cannot be classified as anything but fair. We call for a unanimous vote to authorize President Castro to nominate all international election observers in the future."

The vote was again unanimous!!!!!!!!!

Saudi Arabia – "We don't like executions the way they are carried out in the United States. It is obscene how it is done, in private, mostly by lethal injection that involves no blood, no pain, no show," the Saudi delegate said. "This is a clear violation of the human right to not only watch public executions, but to enjoy 'fun' ones as well. Many American news organizations have expressed outrage over this system, but the courts have rejected all of their pleas to show executions live. The condemned also have no rights in the U.S. The Saudi way of public beheading is an excellent example of a good civil right. After all, we give the condemned the right to sharpen the swords that will be used. They can even choose their swordsman. Can the American condemned hone the needles that will give them the injections, or select a perhaps more sympathetic Jane T. Guard over Joey T. to pump in the drugs? I hardly think so."

Vietnam -- The U.S. Government, just as it committed genocide against us during our war, is carrying out genocide against its own citizens by stuffing supermarkets with cheap, high fat food like beef, pork, cheese and milk. This is a clear violation of human rights. Have you walked the streets of America, especially a mall outside an urban area -- it looks like a herd of elephants is bearing down on you, but it is only a group of Americans in their 20s and early 30s. Our supermarkets, which offer hardly any meat or other fat-laden protein, or else price it so high that few can afford it, adhere much more closely to dietary guidelines established by the very U.S. government that then fails to protect its people. We think that forcing Americans to rummage for roots and weeds as our citizens do would give them a basic human right they now lack."

Sierra Leon – "We have a person in government who gained fame as a rebel by slicing off the arms and legs of children," the Sierra Leon delegate said (Note: true). "We now want the Human Rights Commission to rewrite rules on treating political prisoners. I mean, after all, where is it written that people have an inalienable right to their arms and legs? We have studied every philosopher from Plato to Idi Amin, and nowhere do they describe any inviolable right to limbs. The essence of a human being resides in his or her trunk, and head. Why must we retain the U.S.-backed argument that it is a human rights violation to lop off these appendages, as long as you are doing it for a good reason?"

Mexico -- "We should deal with the mistreatment of workers as well," the Mexican delegate said. "It is our contention that paying workers 30-40 dollars per hour including benefits is a serious violation of their human rights. Such people cannot focus on their work, thinking all the time as they are about their investments in the stock market and real estate or even the dot.com slide. That is why Mexican workers are happy with 50 cents an hour. They can think only about their jobs."

Maximuet Robespierre, the delegate from France who orchestrated the U.S. ejection, looked on benevolently, and then offered a motion to switch the Commission's official language from English to French.

"Mais, non!" the other delegates shouted as one. "If we are writing new rules, we don't want you French around any more, with your disdain for our food, with your contempt for our French accents – both clear human rights violations. It is cruel and unusual punishment the way you sneer at our attempts at French diphthongs. Off with your head!"

The delegates felt that they were demonstrating many of the new human rights that they would be promoting, by beheading Robespierre in a public square by sword, televised worldwide, after a final meal of dandelions and bread, after eliminating his unnecessary limbs, by an executioner making 50 cents per stroke, and after reading a proclamation of their 35-1 vote on Mr. Robespierre's fate. .